"To put off intentionally and habitually"

I am the QUEEN. The queen of procrastination that is. If you look it up in the dictionary, next to the definition, there is a picture of me. It's my middle name. I live by this word on a daily basis. It has become a way of life for me, especially since right before and after my divorce. It's a sickness really, one that I need to find a cure for.

I put off filing for divorce for months. This despite the fact that I (and everyone around me) knew that nothing was going to change. The situation I was in was not going to get any better. My family and coworkers begged me to let go of what was no longer a marriage, but a source of pain and heartbreak. I didn't enjoy the pain, but I was afraid. I had been with this person since I was 16 years old. I didn't know any other life. My world revolved around my family. And this was NOT the way I envisioned my world. So I became a procrastinator.

Even when we had been separated for months I still wore my wedding ring. That meant I was still part of a married couple (he hadn't been in the house for months). After I filed for divorce I would put off turning in paperwork. If I gave my lawyer the information she requested that would just make the situation that much more real. If I did nothing I could go on pretending that my life was normal. In all reality though, my life was falling apart.

Now I've been divorced for almost seven months. Guess what? I still haven't packed all of his things (and right now he has no use for them). Some of it sits in boxes, some still sits around the house. I keep putting it off. If I pack it and have it taken away that will mean he is gone forever. When I think about it, I should be happy about his stuff being gone. I love him (he is the father of my son and was once my best friend), but I am no longer IN LOVE with him. I don't think, at least not at this point in time, that I could ever be with him again. So WHY do I not move on? I am the QUEEN of procrastination.

After almost seven months I still haven't changed all of the bills into my name, I have not refinanced the house, I have not changed the beneficiary on my insurance, etc. You name it, I probably haven't done it. I don't like to do things I don't know a lot about. I'm pretty much stuck. Stuck in my head and stuck in my heart. I want to move on, but at the same time if I do all of that stuff, I will in my head and heart be officially single. According to the courts I already am, but what do they know. If I just put it off a little longer...

So, I urge anyone, going through a divorce or not do not procrastinate. Do what has to be done. Don't get stuck. If you are then get unstuck. I am going to try to change my ways. I hope others will join me. I don't want to have to pass my crown on to you!

Food

Being a single mom has many challenges. One of those challenges is living on a budget. When you go from two incomes to one, it can become very difficult to pay those bills. A lot of women receive child support from their ex-husbands, but there are those of us who do not. The daily email I received from www.divorcecare.com today was about food and it made me think about the different ways you can save on your grocery bill.

1) Try to buy fresh foods and prepare your meals from scratch. Prepackaged foods are convenient but WAY more expensive.

2) Take your lunch to work every day instead of eating out. Fast food is really expensive. A few turkey or ham sandwiches each week never hurt anyone. You can always have leftovers from the night before too. Where I work we eat out one day out of the week. That's my treat for the week.

3) Schools offer free and reduced lunches for kids. You have to apply for these and depending on your income you may be able to get one or the other. Full price school lunches are not cheap these days.

4) Of course, there are always coupons. You can get them from the newspaper or even swap with friends. There are also a lot of websites now where you can purchase coupons. At www.coupons.com you can download the coupon printer and print whichever coupons you want.

5) Angel Food Ministries is a great resource for food. You can purchase food for a month at a price that is a whole lot cheaper than the grocery store. You also get to choose which "boxes" you would like to purchase. You pick up the food at a local church of your choice (as long as they participate). Visit their website at www.angelfoodministries.com.

I hope this helps someone save money on those high grocery bills. It seems like the prices go up every day, but with a few tricks and a little work we can lower those totals.

Empty Nest

So my son is off to spend the night with his friend. I never knew that teenage boys spent the night at each other's houses, I honestly thought that was a "girl' thing. This time though he has a really good reason. He's going to be spending the week with this family at Panama City Beach. He's spending the night tonight because they are leaving early in the morning.

Of course, like I said before this isn't his first time to spend the night with someone and it's not the first time he's been on a trip. It is, however only the second time since I've been divorced that he's been gone away from home for so long. I don't have a problem letting him go, but the house is extremely quiet without him here. Make sure you got that, I said it's extremely quiet, not too quiet.

Quiet can be good, but it can also be excruciatingly painful. It's difficult to sit here night after night with just the noise of the television or radio. It's difficult to sit here with no one to talk to. Well, there is the cat but he has a tendency to walk away when he's had enough. Oh wait, that's what my son does too. I guess nothing will really be that different.

With him being gone for the week I guess I get to practice my "empty nest syndrome" strategy. Is there such a thing? Do you really get to practice for the time when your child will no longer be at home? All week I will have to cook for one (and I have no clue how to do that), wash clothes for one and cleanup after one. I will have so much spare time I won't know what to do with myself. The phone won't be ringing off the hook either.

I will definitely need to get a hobby or a life before my son graduates from high school and moves off to college. If I don't the mother bird in this nest might just go cuckoo.

In the beginning...

God created man and woman. He intended for them to enter into marriage and procreate. We got that part right, but then something went horribly wrong...

I became part of the "1/2 of all marriages end in divorce"statistic. Yup, that's me. Never thought it would be but here I am. I'm 37 years old, divorced and I live with a teenage boy.

I posted that part yesterday, along with what I thought was a very cute story involving my son. However, when he found out I had told some friends he wasn't feeling well (and then telling them what was actually wrong with him), he was mortified. I tried to explain to him that everyone was just concerned about him, but the "problem" was private and in his eyes I had betrayed his trust. I had put his personal information on the internet and he was NOT happy.

So, after deleting my post on Facebook I quickly came here and deleted my first post. I figured if he didn't want friends to hear about his problem, he certainly wouldn't want complete strangers hearing about it too. So here is my second attempt at my first post.

He is still a child (whether he wants to admit it or not) and a simple health problem that everyone can get has completely embarrassed him. It really is nothing major, but to him it is. I need to respect his feelings and learn to ASK if I can broadcast his problems to the world before I actually do so. Come to think of it I wouldn't want him to share my problems with the world.

So, this has been a learning experience to say the least. I hope my son forgives me and I hope I can earn back that trust that is so precious. I want him to know that he can come to me in confidence whenever he has a problem.